I reached out to my social media followers to send in letters for advice so that I could respond in my quirky fashion. For weeks, I didn’t receive a single one until a woman dropped this letter in my dm’s. It was not the silly type of questioning I was expecting. ☹️
Let’s call her Angie for privacy purposes.
I don’t know if I am overreacting, so I want an outside opinion. I hope you can give me that. My husband and I don’t have a very active sex life. We are very busy with our careers and children, so sex happens once a week on average, but at times 2-3 weeks can go by without us doing the deed. He asks, but I decline a lot. I’m tired! My problem is that sometimes at night, more often than not, I am awakened from my sleep by my husband either actively having sex with me, or playing with my vagina to get me wet. I am a very heavy sleeper and I get annoyed and tell him to stop. Sometimes he stops, sometimes he doesn’t. It all depends on if I push him off. A simple “no” or “stop” will not do. I have to physically move away from him, and he gets very mad when I do this and fusses at me. Sometimes when he does this I am very dry and wake up in the morning sore.
I’m confused because he is not being violent or physically aggressive. If I put up a big fuss, he stops. But when I am in a deep sleep I wake up to him finishing and I feel awful afterwards. I am a former rape victim. I have expressed to him that when he does this, sometimes it triggers emotions inside of me that I don’t want to revisit. He didn’t do it as frequently after I told him that it brings back those feelings, yet he still does it.
When I tell him it feels like I’m being raped, he goes on his “what’s wrong with women” rant and becomes highly offended.
Is this rape? Or is this something else? What should I do?
Angie! Honey, I’m just going to drop some knowledge on you real quick. I’m sorry that you are dealing with this behavior from your husband.
I did some research into the topic. There is a disturbing number of women saying that their husband is taking advantage of them as they sleep. Just like you, because they are married, they are confused. They know that the situation is uncomfortable, but they are uncertain about what actions to take.
1. No consent
If a person has not received explicit permission to have sex with you, they are violating you. If you are sleeping, the sex is not consensual. Especially if you say no once you are awake and the act still continues.
2. No respect
Your relationship has some communication and respect issues. I understand that you are expressing your feelings to your husband, but he’s obviously not taking your feelings to heart. How can a relationship thrive emotionally when boundaries are crossed and feelings are dismissed?
Your husband has grown to fear your constant rejection. He would rather try you while you sleep to decrease his chances of being rejected because you’ll usually let it just happen. Studies show that married couples have sex 68.5 times a year on average. That’s around once or twice a week, which you described. So don’t think you are depriving him.
4. Lack of empathy
Let’s face it, your husband is a man. He cannot relate to you on an emotional feminine level. If the shoe was in the other foot, and a male friend tried to do what he does to you, he wouldn’t like it very much. Your husband seems like he feels entitled to have sex with you on demand. He can’t process how he makes you feel, so he continues with his violation of you.
So to sum this up and answer your question. YES. Your husband is raping you. Every time he continues pumping after you tell him to stop, he’s raping you. When you wake up to him finishing off in you, he just finished raping your sleeping body. I don’t want to sound insensitive, but just because he is your husband it doesn’t give him authority over your body. You still have the right to say no.
Now, what you should do about it is completely up to you. Let him know (again😒) that you want him to stop having sex with you without your verbal permission or obvious reciprocation. If he doesn’t stop, leave him. If you aren’t willing to give up your marriage over this issue, then you are left to endure his misogynistic ways.
**Share and ask, “Do you consider this rape?”
You’ll be surprised by the variety of answers.